I miss you and love you so much. I’ve been miserable since I heard the news, but today is the first morning I didn’t wake up crying. I’m sure I’ll cry more but for now I’ve run out of tears.
I wish I could show you how much your mom loves you, because I don’t think you knew. I think you had no idea how much of an impact you had on the world. How many lives you touched with your beautiful smile, your bubbly personality and your sharp wit and charm.
I keep saying this but my life really isn’t going to be the same without you. You were such a big part of it. I started this blog because I’m hoping that somewhere out there you are still here with us and will be able to get these messages. I have to try. I have to at least say things. So much has happened in the last 5 days that I’ve wanted to share with you. I’m used to sharing everything with you that happens during the times you weren’t actually at my house.
Like picking a wedding date. I wanted so much for you to be there when we get married. I wanted you to be there for Quinn’s first softball game. To ride with me when I take Xavier up north. He was looking forward to it. I understand we won’t be able to have these things but it is just so hard to wrap my brain around the fact that you’re really gone.
Your friendship was a gift. You were the cool one. The friendly one, the charming one, the pretty one. I can’t do vendor shows without you. Not yet. I’m going to finish the unicorn garden that we came up with, but I’m not going to sell it. That one is ours. I’m going to have the girls help me put together your giant one, in your big pink crate, in a couple weeks, maybe. I’m not ready yet.
Quinn was devastated. I wasn’t sure how to put her tiny broken heart back together but she’s doing a lot better now. Kairi and Xavier are doing ok. I feel so bad for them. I just keep showing them all love, it’s all I can do. Kyle cried a little. Then he cried a lot. Honey, this is the 3rd time I’ve seen him cry in 11 years. He’s been so gentle and so patient with me because I’m an absolute wreck.
I met up with your mom for coffee Saturday. I almost wanted to get video of the things she said to me so I could show you just how much you meant to her. I realized I couldn’t. She’s going to download all of the pictures off of your phone so that people can have them and print them out. There are so many on there that I want.
Shit, I’m crying again at the breakfast table. I’m trying to be good. I was so mean to myself after I lost my dad. Well, I guess you can’t lose something you never had in the first place but I felt robbed of something I never got. Anything I feel after you though is going to be tenfold because you really, truly were a sister to me. An aunt to my kids. You were more than a friend, you were FAMILY. Everyone in my family loved the shit out of you, man. How could anyone not? Your sparkle is so infectious. My mom loved you and so did grambo and everyone else.
I hope you like the title of the blog. I thought you might. It’s from the time probably about 20 years ago that we were at your aunt’s house making chocolate pudding. You had to wipe some up and she got a picture of you with it on a napkin and captioned it “poop for Katee.” It’s always made me laugh and hopefully somewhere you’re laughing too. Dancing. Running about. Being all crazy. Maybe you’re with your grandpa and Kittles and Frank and Chris Farley and whoever else. I really hope so. I picture you as a little cloud of stardust that is just kinda flyin’ around everyw
Poop for Katee 